Dreams, Glitter and Tears

I fell behind in my journalling!

The last week has been a blur. There were a few small events during the week but honestly, right now I don't remember what they were. If they come to me, I will back-post about them. I'm journalling right now out of guilt. that's it, because i'm so fucking tired that i want to sleep for a week.

the doll project is moving along slowly. I am unhappy with how the legs are turning out, they don't have the natural curvature and shape that I am wanting. I could easily mold the shape onto the current pieces with clay, but it tends to not want to stay on. I had good luck with plastering the shoulders that I made out of the clay onto the body, but I don't know that it would work with the smaller pieces. Also I'm not able to get a smooth enough texture out of my wetsanding. it really only affects the newest layer of plaster, leaving me with the same ripples and dents from the lower layers that I had before. I try to plaster in the low spots to make a smooth contour, but the plaster hardens too quickly and becomes a large rough surface to sand down again. I feel like I'm running in circles. I made the joint caps for the shoulders, but now the ball joints don't fit in them correctly. Note to self- make the joint caps FIRST! So I have to remake the shoulder joints. I've not yet figured out how I will make them stay together, the clay hardens and just slides off of the plaster where they meet. Maybe I will have to plaster over them as well... now that i think of it, that would change the size of my joints again though... what a delimma. I have been working on the wig more and although it is a project that will take me a long time to finish, it is rather mindless work to do. I usually watch tv while I do it. my makeshift tool is the perfect size but I wish the mesh of the wigcap was a teeny bit bigger. I have ripped it in a few places.none of the small holes will be able to be seen though, they are underlayers of hair in the back.

Kay had her choir show on the 12th. She was a perfect bunny for her acting part in one of the songs, and the show was fantastic. The kids sang songs from every generation and they were all crowd pleasers. I was particularly tickled by seeing them sing "Sgt Peppers". Thank goodness good music hasn't totally been wasted on our youth!

I have been struggling with feeling overly drowsy due to my medications, low metabolism and poor sleep habits. I'll throw in some pure laziness in for good measure too. I haven't felt motivated to do much of anything lately and it totally sucks. I WANT to get up and run, skate, bike, play. I am often restless. but I can't seem to get the "get up and go" going. It's terribly frustrating.

I think that part of my lack of motivation is also due to my lonliness. I don't have anyone that I spend time with outside of the house and I have a bit of cabin fever. I want to just go walking and chat with another woman, or go to the park with a fellow mom and let the kids play. It weighs on me heavily because I've always been a socialite, the life of the party. I don't know what to do with myself in solitude. My online friends help somewhat, but i want a friend that I can hug if I am in need, that I can make smile and see what I've done. That won't be a drama magnet!!! I am SO overly tired of drama. I've had too much in my short life. I want to emotionally connect with someone on a totally platonic level, but enhance my life with their presence. is that too much to ask? I guess Mary is still haunting me. Her rejection rocked me hard. I'm afraid that there might actually have been something that I did that was so offensive that it drove her away. That I might repeat the offense with another person. I know when I really think about it that Mary was just a heartless bitch that was too cowardly to be honest with me... but that self doubt lingers.

James and I are doing amazingly well. We've made a lot of progress in the last few months and I am confident that things are finding their way. I am so happy to see old emotional wounds healing- for both of us. Finally! I had started to worry that it was a waste of my time and that I was in a state of denial about us ever making progress. I feel ashamed that I doubted a positive outcome, but I need to be fully open and honest with myself and I know those feelings were there. I feel that there is more reason than ever to push that old pain away and allow myself to relax and feel loved again. That I don't have to be at the ready for the next time something went horribly wrong. We have both struggled in this and I see the fruits of our labor is starting to show. Maybe I AM capable of giving the very things that I didn't think were there anymore. Time will tell.

I've been applying plaster layer by layer, painting it on with a brush. It's difficult because when I first mix the plaster it's a little runny, but by the time I've gotten to the end of my batch, the plaster is stiffening. I make tiny batches! I have a lot of sanding and shaping to do, and I've started to use Stonex to shape and fill in the body parts. I found out the hard way that clay shrinks when it dries, I had completely encased the parts in clay and they cracked. Oops. Live and learn. I bought myself a ceramic tool and it works well for shaping the plaster after it has dried. I also split the torso so that she will have mobility there as well. The top portion overlaps the bottom. I would suggest making these parts seperate, molding them into overlapping parts after the fact was a real bitch. I also encased some bent wire into the feet and hands, so the elastic will be able to loop onto it later. Here's my progress so far:



I seem to have lost one of the hands. no biggie. I'll make one out of clay.

Last night I started making a wig. It will be a long process because I'm actually sewing the hair in 10 strands at a time. First I placed plastic wrap on the head, thn covered it in masking tape a strip at a time, making a mold of the head.



*edit: teehee, you can see my K-Y in that pic :o

Then I put tulle mesh over it, cutting and sewing to make it smooth. I held it to the mold with double stick tape. I modified a sewing needle to make basically a tiny latchhook tool. Then I started sewing in the hair.





today I plan to plaster the body more and work on the wig until my eyes can't take it anymore, which shouldn't take too long. I think I need glasses. :(

Woohoo! I got the BJD head sculpted! It still needs a little detail work and the plaster finish will look better because I'll be able to work in detail without it crumbling but here it is:




I started with 2 blocks glued together




Shaped it into a rough circle




Carved away until I had a rough template of what the face will look like. I feel that the cheekbones look a little strong in this picture but the rest show them looking just fine. I will fine tune as necessary.








Now for the next step: Plaster!

Today I made the arms for my Doll. This is what I have so far on the Ball-Joint Doll project:



Tomorrow I will start the head. This is how it begins:



I am SO nervous about the head and face for this doll! Thank goodness I have extra foam!

Today I sculpted the thighs, palms and torso. The torso will be cut in half and jointed later.

Today I started the BJD project. First I sketched the shape and size that I wanted for my doll:



then I began sculpting with an exacto knife. I got both lower legs and both feet done tonight:




I also scalped a Barbie doll for a side project of teaching myself how to put hair into dolls heads. The BJD will have a wig, which I will also have to teach myself how to make.