Dreams, Glitter and Tears

rita
i'm sorry

charlie
you're alive?
you're ok?


barely
well
in my head anyway

you're.... what the fuck happened?

dark shit
depression
the usual

such as?

i'm overworked, stressed, and depressed and it's taking it's toll
so i fucking freaked out

shit you couldnt just tell me? you know i would understand

no, no i couldn't
i couldn't tell anyone

:/

i don't want sympathy
i just wanted to be alone

i never said i'd give you sympathy
i said i would understand

:/
i'm sorry rita
i really am

i thought i did something to really make you hate me
i've been trying to figure out how i ruined a 6 year relationship

you didn't do anything

well, that's a relief

i was wrong for doing that

well... you know i'll be brutally honest with you, as i always am
so... yes. you were.

i agree

you were a downright asshole for it, i didnt deserve to be shut out so coldly.

no, no you didn't

you could have just told me that some shit was going on and you needed some time to yourself to figure it out. if you dont want to tell me about it, that's your perogative

i know
i'm a fuckin dick
i'm sorry

but to just cut me off was unecessary

yes, i agree
and it wasn't right

i asked a few people if they knew about anythnig going on with you because ive never known you to do anything so... extreme
but when i got no answers, i was really confused

i know
i'm sorry

*sigh* I believe you, Charlie. But understand that it hurt me a lot and it'll take a while for me to forgive you.
but i will

i know
and i understand
what i did was wrong, childish, selfish and stupid

I'm sad you don't trust me enough to come to me during a time in need like that.

i didn't come to anyone
it's not a trust thing
it's a holy shit i'm freaking out and i need to be alone thign

ok
but just because you need to be alone... don't shut me out like that. just tell me you need to be alone and I'll give you space.
Now... do you need more space, darling? Or can I help in some way?

i'm ok
i'm doing better
just gotta fight it ya know

*nods*
it's ok to get help too, when fighting it isnt enough.
it's not a sign of weakness

i know :)

:)

i didn't mean to hurt you
even though i know i did

*nods* i know you know you did
so i wont rub your nose in it
*hugs*

*hug*

So I finally found Charlie. He's been MIA since he stood me up for our date. I've worried that he got in an accident, was wrecked at the side of the road somewhere and was hurt badly. I worried that he was angry with me for some unknown reason- or maybe because I said Alice was unstable... which she is. Maybe he got back together with her and thinks I will judge him for choosing to be with an obviously unstable woman. He blocked me on AIM. He refuses to answer my calls. Avoidance is not really the word for it.

What am I to do? I decided to use an AIM account that I haven't in years to contact him. I left him a message saying that I was sorry if I had offended him and I'd like it if he were honest with me if something was bothering him rather than avoid me. I said that we've had 6 good years of friendship and I thought he valued me more as a friend than to avoid me.

If he blocks the side account too, I'll take it as a sign to just fuck off for good. I've said my piece and if he comes to me wanting our friendship to continue, he's definately got some explaining to do, but I'd gladly stay one of his best friends. If not, I'll cut my losses and continue on with life without him. It will hurt but I don't really have another choice.

This whole thing reminds me sorely of the Mary situation. Why do people have to do things like this?

Ayshe, you said it best, babe. Sometimes, people just suck.

It's almost 9:00 pm. Charlie hasn't been online or answered my phone calls today. We were supposed to go on a date sometime tonight.

In the past, I've felt stood up when he cancelled on me. Tonight, I really was.

Perfect.

Oh my. I had a small part in it but it was innocent, I promise!!

Charlie dumped Alice today. He and I had discussed her behavior and I warned him that she was "psycho". I stand by that statement based on how she reacted to him telling her that things were moving too quickly. She had the audacity to tell him she was going out with her friends and going to rebound... O.M.G. What a craaaaazy bitch.

Charlie feels awful, he hates to hurt someones feelings, no matter how "fatal attraction" they're getting on him. He feels that he deserved the treatment that he got from her... which I know he doesnt REALLY feel, but he's beating himself up over it. Poor guy. He's so lonely, he wants to be with someone badly and have someone to call his own... yet he keeps picking people that turn out to be bad for him in one way or another. It's always hard being a friend when I know he needs to hear brutal honesty, yet needs to be nurtured at the same time.

I think that our date Saturday will be good for him, I love him so much, the sweetheart.

"You're gonna be mad at me"

oh damn. No Charlie, you're not doing this again. Are you?

Turns out that Charlie and I were gonna go out because he was getting paid today. Well... he's getting paid Monday. So we're not going out. He feels guilty and I feel stood up. Meh.

Harry Potter comes out in the theatre today locally. I've been looking forward to this for multiple reasons:
1. I love Harry Potter and can't wait to see the movie
2. Charlie and I are going to go see it together

yep, Charlie and I are really going to get together and go out this time. No more standing me up or last minute changes of plans. I called him tonight and we set it up. Saturday night. I can't wait!

in other Charlie news, he has a girlfriend of one month named Alice. He said she will have a problem with he and I going out because she is the jealous type but since he PROMISED me that we would see Harry Potter together he said he won't let her stop him from going out with me. I hope it doesn't cause a problem between the two of them.

in general news, life is boring here. Money is overly tight and we may not be able to put together the funds to get Emily and Laura from Tennessee. James is quite stressed about it, as am I. If we do get the money together to bring them home, Laura may bring her 2 parakeets with her. She thinks she has a female and a male. Interesting. Also, Donnie the rat is settling in very well here, he has taken a liking to Kay. It's good that they are bonding, and she loves him a lot. Donnie has finally gotten to play with Annika and Juliette, and while they stressed him out a little at first with their hyperactive antics, he got used to them afer a bit and curled up on the couch while I waas petting him. He's a lazy thing but I love him. He doesn't seem interested in the fact that the girls are... well, girls. James is happy about that, I'm sure.

James and I never got to watch the 2nd movie we were going to watch last night- Jet Li's Fearless. We decided to watch it early tonight because I still had a hot date: Going over to Charlies for movies!
Well, I checked with Charlie to see if we were still on for the movie and he said he had a family thing come up. Bummer. Super huge Bummer. He felt bad, I think he had actually forgotten about tonight or expected James to tell me that I couldn't at the last minute, which has happened quite a few times.
I'd already showered and dressed up pretty, had my curling iron on and was suddenly faced with not going out. Now what do I do?

Fuck it. I curled my hair, put on my make up and glammed up anyway. James asked me why I was doing it and I told him: because I have a hot date. He and I are still going to watch a movie together, right? Right.

I'm off to make dinner while he preps the movie for watching on the projection set. Dinner, Movie and snuggling is the plan tonight. Wish me luck.