Dreams, Glitter and Tears

I suck so bad.


So ok, updates and stuff... cliffnotes version:

Darling and I met in October on 2 occasions, more to come on that, orlly just logs of what i downloaded in channel.

Holy shit. He's amazing. What don't I love? pfft.

I got a promotion and raise at work, FINALLY. GAH.

James and I are doing pretty good, although he gets jealous at times. I dunno how to soothe his ego any more than I am, yet anything i do gets shot down instantly. Sunuvabeech.

Darling's Roommate, Eskimo started talking to me during his visit and she and I have become closer than I have come to any other woman, ever. I love her dearly. I've been waiting so long to really connect to another woman the way I do with her. It was totally worth the wait.


Winter has come and along with it the deepest depression I have felt in a long time. wish i had a street pharmacist available to get prozac from. or something. anything. I have turned to old habits and curse myself daily for them.

I have lost a substantial amount of weight, at Darlings encouragement. I don't know how to begin thanking him for that.

I learned just today that I lost a neighbor, and I am reminded that only a few days ago was the 1 year mark of losing my Great Grandfather, the one man that truly loved me, yet abused me horribly. *sigh* A couple of beloved pets have passed as well.

Day to day life is a struggle, but the benefits of surviving is debatable yet overwhelmingly joyous.

Shit happens.

Darling and I are doing well, his phone calls have really become something I enjoy. Not to say that I never did before but it's quickly becoming one of my favorite late night habits. I enjoy talking with him and lulling him to sleep with my sweet voice. I especially love it when he falls asleep on the phone and I whisper little things to him. Most of all, he is enriching in his encouragement and playful teasing. I look forward to that the most, I think.
I still want him to collar me and I wrote him a letter telling him what i need and wat out of life. It was good for him to know but it was especially good for me to think about it. I have spent many years of my life no longer knowing what I wanted out of it. For me to really reevaluate my needs vs my desires is so good for me. I thank Darling every day that I think about myself rather than being a slave to others needs. He doesn't know I do, but it's true nonetheless.

Other things in life, in a month, I will be at my job a year. That feels fantastic, especially after several short lived jobs and James telling me I wasn't capapble of holding a job. I just needed something that made me happy. As mundane as it is, I enjoy seeing my regular customers and hearing about what is new in their lives. It's a highly social job which is perfect for me. I spent too many years without proper social interaction and I now realize how badly I was hurting for it.

Romance at home not to be forgotten, James and I are doing well. He snuggled me tonight for quite some time, petting and running his hands over my hair. Given that he is still quite distant in general, it was nice. He has increased his snuggling and hugging in general, which makes me happy.

The kids are good, getting ready to go to school. I'm not ready but they are, emotionally and mentally.

Nicholas passed away, which saddened us all but it was his time, he was getting old. We will bury him under the tree in the back yard.

In all, life is good. For once I am happy, truly happy. I'm glad I finally came forth with some secrets that had been haunting me, the truth really does make everything in life better.