Dreams, Glitter and Tears

I went job hunting today. It officially sucks to do on foot. Walking in the heat makes my face all red and me all sweaty. Who wants to hire a red faced, sweaty chubby woman? Chubby alone makes it hard to get a job. Everyone wants someone that looks good, it makes your company look good.
And before I get "well walking will make you less chubby, dumbass" I know that. I've been walking for weeks now and it has made me GAIN weight. I know some of it is water weight, as it's string week, but some HAS to be muscle too, right? This is frustrating as hell.
Thankfully, my buddy Peter woke me up at 12:50 am (on the 19th) to tell me some shit about winning money at the gameroom he's always at. I asked him if he'd take me jobhunting sometime soon and he said yes. I'll pay him with cigs, James got some for me to bribe my smoking friends with. Nice.

Oh, Kiirani, I must thank you publically for this one.

During late night chatting and general trading of bitching and stories of our own and others personal drama, Kiirani pointed me to Http://www.violentacres.com , a blog of a woman that sounds like someone leapt into my brain and spilled out everything I think onto the internet, in it's perfectly crass and in your face way. I read 3 of her entries and fell in love with this woman. Ok maybe i didn't fall in love but damn, she's fantastic.

I think I may have to take a page from her book and start really letting go in my public entries, so that people really understand how this strange bipolar brain of mine really works. Oh my my my. It feels so good to get it out there in a way that you can understand without question. My first "Frankly Rita" entry will come soon. 



A warning on "Frankly Rita" entries: they may be the following: Not work safe, crass, abusive, bitchy, 100% honest, rude, crude, offensive, politically incorrect, socially incorrect, mean, filled with swinging moods and raging hormones and more! If you are reading at work, you may want to skip these entries, even if the content is ok to read at work- I don't want to get you fired for laughing too loudly at my chaotic ranting. Then you'll bitch at me and I'll get all pissy etc...

During my regular reading of friends' journals, I noticed a conspicuous lack of entries in Ayshe's journal.

It seems I've been unfriended.

After all we've ben through this last year, I guess our friendship has turned into "just aquaintences" or whatever being unfriended would title it. I don't recall doing anything to piss him off, but then again I guess I'm good doing it without realizing.

I've been feeling less and less at home in the lair, mostly because I don't play the game... my view of the game lately has been very drama-filled as it is. I don't know that I would play given some of the silly nonsense I see people getting worked up over. I have too much drama in my life anyway... I guess that's a given by the subject of this entry.

Meh. Maybe it's a sign. I'll ask Dee and if I see no answer in sight, I'll meander on to spending my time doing less dramatic things, rather than continue to fuss over it. A loss of a friend is a hard thing for me, given I have few, but maybe it was inevitable.

More later.

Gina visited tonight, with her husband and adorable daughter. It was wonderful! Minnie fell asleep in Gina's hands several times and Daisy showed her what a great neck warmer she was, in addition to climber.
Gina also brought and gave me some plastic canvas, which is fantastic for lining the floors of the cage with. She told me how she uses it and is able to just take it out and spray it off every once in a while. Incredibly smart!!

Here's a video and a few pics of the aftermath of the visit- such sleepy babies! We wore them out good!





A pile of snoozing babies- check out that nose poking out of the cage!!


Balthier snoozing by himself


Ophelia in the tube

rita
i'm sorry

charlie
you're alive?
you're ok?


barely
well
in my head anyway

you're.... what the fuck happened?

dark shit
depression
the usual

such as?

i'm overworked, stressed, and depressed and it's taking it's toll
so i fucking freaked out

shit you couldnt just tell me? you know i would understand

no, no i couldn't
i couldn't tell anyone

:/

i don't want sympathy
i just wanted to be alone

i never said i'd give you sympathy
i said i would understand

:/
i'm sorry rita
i really am

i thought i did something to really make you hate me
i've been trying to figure out how i ruined a 6 year relationship

you didn't do anything

well, that's a relief

i was wrong for doing that

well... you know i'll be brutally honest with you, as i always am
so... yes. you were.

i agree

you were a downright asshole for it, i didnt deserve to be shut out so coldly.

no, no you didn't

you could have just told me that some shit was going on and you needed some time to yourself to figure it out. if you dont want to tell me about it, that's your perogative

i know
i'm a fuckin dick
i'm sorry

but to just cut me off was unecessary

yes, i agree
and it wasn't right

i asked a few people if they knew about anythnig going on with you because ive never known you to do anything so... extreme
but when i got no answers, i was really confused

i know
i'm sorry

*sigh* I believe you, Charlie. But understand that it hurt me a lot and it'll take a while for me to forgive you.
but i will

i know
and i understand
what i did was wrong, childish, selfish and stupid

I'm sad you don't trust me enough to come to me during a time in need like that.

i didn't come to anyone
it's not a trust thing
it's a holy shit i'm freaking out and i need to be alone thign

ok
but just because you need to be alone... don't shut me out like that. just tell me you need to be alone and I'll give you space.
Now... do you need more space, darling? Or can I help in some way?

i'm ok
i'm doing better
just gotta fight it ya know

*nods*
it's ok to get help too, when fighting it isnt enough.
it's not a sign of weakness

i know :)

:)

i didn't mean to hurt you
even though i know i did

*nods* i know you know you did
so i wont rub your nose in it
*hugs*

*hug*

Well, We just left Christel's hotel.

I called before we left, as promised. I got no answer. But she was up late so maybe she was still sleeping. I turned on the kitchen computer and logged into xchat really quick to see if she was online. Still away status. I left a query telling her "wake up, sweetie! I'm on my way"
We loaded up the van and kids and I drove to the hotel. I called her cellphone again from the lobby. no answer. I went to the hotel room and knocked. no answer. I called her hotel room from the lobby. no answer. Finally, I just left a note for her at the front desk. The clerk says that she saw "them" leave, but didn't know when. She said that she would give Christel the note upon her return.

We left. I pouted and picked myself apart for about the first hour of the drive out of Houston. Did I do something wrong? Was I too eager and maybe scared her off? Did she simply forget about me? Did something job related or an emergency come up? Why isn't she answering her cellphone? Why wouldn't she have called my house if she needed to cancel? Did she intend on meeting me at all? So on and so forth, leading into the last week of Darren standing me up on Wednesday and Charlie standing me up and then avoiding me last Saturday. Why is this becoming a habit for me? James suggested that maybe I am choosing friends with the same base character flaw that leaves them inconsiderate/unreliable or just jackasses. I don't believe so but then again, 2 out of the 3 this past week have been 6 year friendships.

Meh. Back to navigating so we can get to Memphis as quickly and painlessly as possible. Wish us luck.

I'm packing and log in to 2 of my favorite places to be: ##essy and #felines-lair. I chat and play for a few minutes with some of my friends on there and lo and behold my Lil Sis, Christel greets me! She says "you didn't answer the livejournal comment I left you!" Holy shit, she commented?
Sure enough, 2 days ago, she did! She said that she is in Houston, from England!! She gave me her cellphone number and I call her. I don't get an answer but she calls right back. We talk about possibly having an impulsive 3 am meeting, but Richard has the car so she can't. So tomorrow, on the way out of Houston to go on our trip to Memphis (to pick up Emily and Laura from their mother's house), We will be driving about 45 minutes out of our way to stop by Christel's hotel room! I promise to call before we leave to go there so she knows when we should be arriving, and we hang up.

I am so super excited. Christel is so fun to talk to and spend time with and we have so very much in common. We've been friends since November and I've been looking forward to finally meeting her. James is simply happy that I will be hanging out with a female for once.

Ok, much more packing to do, but that just tickled me pink!!

I left the house at 5:00 to meet at 5:30. Got there at 5:15. Being early rocks!
I waited in front of the theater.
Paced in front of the theater.
Sat in front of the theater.
Slowly, the group arrived. They waited with me until 5:45 and then went to Bary's Pizza to get a bite to eat- which Darren was supposed to pay my way.
I continued waiting. A storm rolled in. The humidity alone made the cute curls fall from my hair and my hair begain to frizz. The heat melted my makeup.
I went inside the theater and waited at the front window, watching for him.
I went back outside and sat in the sprinkling rain.
I paced again.
The group went in to see Harry Potter at 6:15. Darren was supposed to pay my way in.
I finally left at 6:30. I went to the pet shop and petted some cute fuzzy things. I picked up a job application and left. I went home. James was making himself dinner.
I logged onto AIM and there Darren was. He said that he was still at work and expected to be for another few hours. He said that he would probably be too tired to take me to the party that was supposed to happen after the movie. He apologised. I accepted his apology and said that I needed to go. Honestly, I just feel like shit. If I had a cellphone, I know that Darren would have called me to tell me what was going on. However, I looked like a chump in front of my other friends and a few strangers that were with the group.

Stood up again. What a drag.

When I was in the search for Charlie, Darren popped up out of nowhere and said hello. I told him I was looking for Charlie and he said that Charlie was online- which I couldn't see because little did I know, I was blocked. During our conversation, he offered to take me out to see the movie that Charlie failed to. Afterwards, we're going to a party. How fun! It'll be a group outing, a bunch of our friends are going with us. Maybe I'll make some more friends!

We meet at the theater tonight, I can't wait to finally go out on the town!!

In other friend related news, Lee and I are planning on hanging out before he goes back to school. We haven't seen eachother in forever! The last time he was at my house, he was nearly jailbait! We've known eachother since about 1998 so seeing this friend will mean a lot to me. I eagerly look forward to seeing him. I hope we will get a lot of time to hang out rather than just a movie and small party like what I will have with Darren and the crew. We have so much to talk about and catch up on.

Kevin finished his digital painting of me!!

Nice boobs, I must say! ;) Thank you Kevin!!!

original picture:



digital painting:

So I finally found Charlie. He's been MIA since he stood me up for our date. I've worried that he got in an accident, was wrecked at the side of the road somewhere and was hurt badly. I worried that he was angry with me for some unknown reason- or maybe because I said Alice was unstable... which she is. Maybe he got back together with her and thinks I will judge him for choosing to be with an obviously unstable woman. He blocked me on AIM. He refuses to answer my calls. Avoidance is not really the word for it.

What am I to do? I decided to use an AIM account that I haven't in years to contact him. I left him a message saying that I was sorry if I had offended him and I'd like it if he were honest with me if something was bothering him rather than avoid me. I said that we've had 6 good years of friendship and I thought he valued me more as a friend than to avoid me.

If he blocks the side account too, I'll take it as a sign to just fuck off for good. I've said my piece and if he comes to me wanting our friendship to continue, he's definately got some explaining to do, but I'd gladly stay one of his best friends. If not, I'll cut my losses and continue on with life without him. It will hurt but I don't really have another choice.

This whole thing reminds me sorely of the Mary situation. Why do people have to do things like this?

Ayshe, you said it best, babe. Sometimes, people just suck.

It's almost 9:00 pm. Charlie hasn't been online or answered my phone calls today. We were supposed to go on a date sometime tonight.

In the past, I've felt stood up when he cancelled on me. Tonight, I really was.

Perfect.

Oh my. I had a small part in it but it was innocent, I promise!!

Charlie dumped Alice today. He and I had discussed her behavior and I warned him that she was "psycho". I stand by that statement based on how she reacted to him telling her that things were moving too quickly. She had the audacity to tell him she was going out with her friends and going to rebound... O.M.G. What a craaaaazy bitch.

Charlie feels awful, he hates to hurt someones feelings, no matter how "fatal attraction" they're getting on him. He feels that he deserved the treatment that he got from her... which I know he doesnt REALLY feel, but he's beating himself up over it. Poor guy. He's so lonely, he wants to be with someone badly and have someone to call his own... yet he keeps picking people that turn out to be bad for him in one way or another. It's always hard being a friend when I know he needs to hear brutal honesty, yet needs to be nurtured at the same time.

I think that our date Saturday will be good for him, I love him so much, the sweetheart.

"You're gonna be mad at me"

oh damn. No Charlie, you're not doing this again. Are you?

Turns out that Charlie and I were gonna go out because he was getting paid today. Well... he's getting paid Monday. So we're not going out. He feels guilty and I feel stood up. Meh.

Harry Potter comes out in the theatre today locally. I've been looking forward to this for multiple reasons:
1. I love Harry Potter and can't wait to see the movie
2. Charlie and I are going to go see it together

yep, Charlie and I are really going to get together and go out this time. No more standing me up or last minute changes of plans. I called him tonight and we set it up. Saturday night. I can't wait!

in other Charlie news, he has a girlfriend of one month named Alice. He said she will have a problem with he and I going out because she is the jealous type but since he PROMISED me that we would see Harry Potter together he said he won't let her stop him from going out with me. I hope it doesn't cause a problem between the two of them.

in general news, life is boring here. Money is overly tight and we may not be able to put together the funds to get Emily and Laura from Tennessee. James is quite stressed about it, as am I. If we do get the money together to bring them home, Laura may bring her 2 parakeets with her. She thinks she has a female and a male. Interesting. Also, Donnie the rat is settling in very well here, he has taken a liking to Kay. It's good that they are bonding, and she loves him a lot. Donnie has finally gotten to play with Annika and Juliette, and while they stressed him out a little at first with their hyperactive antics, he got used to them afer a bit and curled up on the couch while I waas petting him. He's a lazy thing but I love him. He doesn't seem interested in the fact that the girls are... well, girls. James is happy about that, I'm sure.

Speaking of artsy goodness!!

Remember I took a pic for Kevin?

He's making me into art!! He's such a fantastic artist and has been doodling me over the years, and I'm just so flattered. I can't wait to see the finished product, Kevin!!

Well, Charlie's birthday get together is off. He said he got sicker than shit last night and is still sick. He thinks he ate some bad food. Poor guy. I told him I'll take a raincheck on hanging out and we still have our date to see the Harry Potter movie together. He'd better not stand me up, I'll whine and cry like a little bitch. XD

Happy birthday anyway Charlie, feel better soon.

We called emily and laura today. They said that things have been going pretty slow there. They spend time alone without Kris or Mike there, I guess he works for his parents now for a part time job. They bought the girls $300 in craft stuff at hobby lobby to keep them busy while they're gone. Yeesh, so much for not having any money I guess. As long as they're spending on the kids and not a lawyer. That makes me happy. I wish they had more opportunity to have fun and do stuff outside of the house though.

I called Charlie and we made a "date" for his birthday. We are planning to go out with some of his friends, then back to his place to watch a movie. Friday! I asked James if it was ok and he said that is would be. I also talked to Jen, who is doing better and seems to be more stable emotionally than I had sen in the past few weeks. I've been quite worried about her, she's so happy and so sad at the same time. I love her so much, I feel protective of her.

With all of yesterdays drama over, I found myself quite lonely today. I decided to make some phone calls.
I called B and got no answer,
Jen and left a message for her to call me back,
Charlie and he said he was at lunch so he'd call me back,
Jim and we talked for well over an hour about everything from our upcoming trip to Memphis to politics and the Vietnam war. He is feeling much better now that he is on new medicine for his heart and liver. The doc said that he was on the verge of death when they figured out what was wrong with him. I'm glad they caught it in time. We also talked about his will, which was a little hard to do.
After I wore him out on the phone, I called Jennifer, his daughter and my ex-sister in law. I left a message for her too.
I called Erik and we spoke for a moment but he said he would have to call me back.

I guess I feel a little bad because that is pretty much the extent of my social life... and none of them called me back. I'd even pay the long distance, but it feels like everyone is so busy with their lives, I'm not very much of a priority. This must be what it feels like when your children are grown and you call but they're too busy to call or come over. How lonely. It makes me want to go visit my great grandfather in the asssited living home, he must be so lonely. I don't know how more elderly aren't suicidal over such emptiness. To feel like nothing but a burden is an awful existance. Maybe I will try to call some of my loved ones again next week... until then...

Man today has been something else! This morning I was taking the kids to school and my passenger front tire just felt weird. Like it was low or the shock gave out or something. The car was handling a little different than it was yesterday/normally and seemed a little low on that side when I was driving. I had James look at it when I got home and he discovered something that I missed when I had checked the tire: The thing was so bare in one spot that you can see the belts. He gave me his car to take to our appointments and took off of work for the morning.

Laura, Kay and I went to therapy and had our appointments. Kay came with me today because she had an eye appointment afterward, so I decided to talk about Kay. We discussed with Steve that Kay has a fear of growing up. We simply don't know why she does either. Steve gave me some ideas of what we could do and she opened up a little about feeling left out of the social activities of the older kids, and that she doesnt feel "babyish" like the younger ones. Oh, to be trapped in the middle, poor kid.

We took Kay to her appointment, she is nearsighted with some astigmatism. We ordered her glasses, I expected to get them there but they don't make them fast even though they make them in house. A lot of their glasses were expensive so they don't keep the blanks on stock. Should be about a week or so before she gets them. Bummer. We forgot the $5 copay and they wouldn't order the glasses without us paying so i had to head home and drop the girls off at school before getting the money from James.

James ended up not having the money, so I started calling around for a favor from someone, all I needed was $5 after all. I finally got ahold of B and he lent me $10 so I'd have some gas too. With 1 hour left of school for Kay and 2 for Laura, we left them at home and ran the errand to get the money, paid for the glasses and headed home. On the way I saw a turtle that had wandered toward the highway, fell over the curb onto the street and decided to turn back, but couldn't climb back up to safety. He kept going back and forth and I felt so bad for him. I asked James if I was able to save the little guy and he said no, he was afraid we'd be late to get London and James from school. I hope someone saved him. James switched my bad tire out with my spare while I got James and London.

Later in the evening, I got online and Ayshe and I got into a spat about something I had told him a few days prior. I'm simply too harsh in how I tell people things and he took some things the wrong way. I also crossed some boundaries about my feelings and how appropriate it was (or wasn't) to tell them to him. Both got angry and bared our teeth and we finally came to an agreement about how future interactions about delicate subjects would be handled. We made up, which is nice. I still feel tension but a lot less than there has been since things changed between us a few months ago. Time will tell if he will find the desire to trust me in the future and I will be a little careful to be sure I'm not acting inappropriately or wording things wrong. Maybe it will be the building blocks for undoing some bad habits.