Dreams, Glitter and Tears

Today was TABC certification. Texas Alcoholic Beverage Comission, for those not in Texas.
It was a breeze but took forever. It was completely computerized and on the internet, I could have done it at home. The best part was that I worked from noon to 4, so I got to be home with the fam.
I still feel sick so I rested for the evening.

I also got another letter from Jamie, 2 of them actually. He said he will be sending another letter in about a week with a check. This will be the first child support I've gotten in almost 9 years! he only makes about $70 a month though so I don't expect it to be much.

So I've been just looking people up on Google lately, finding old school friends and just am seeing how life has carried on since I left Topeka. I found out that Joe got married in 05 to a girl named Ashley that went to the same school as him. Good, I'm glad he found happiness. He was never happy with me.

I called Kamarie Prout and told her about Jamie being in jail, she didn't know his release date. It turns out that she was his first victim after all. It was when she was age 5-9, we think she was the only one he had intercourse with. She's 22 now, so he was 13-17 when it happened... Which disturbs the shit out of me because we started dating when he was 17. She asked me to check on a parole/release petition for Jamie and whether or not we could get one.

I'm really worried about my Jen, as she's having some issues with getting life settled post marriage. I have nagging doubts that linger in the back of my mind and it's getting to me. I've told her what they are though and she was very grateful that I was worried about such things.

In other news, Arlene dropped off the food order. That means free food for the family. YAY.

Tonight I talked with James about pron and issues a little bit. Overalll it went well. I didn't get upset or frustrated at all but I believe that he did. He requested that we stop talking about it after a while. I think we got a little better understanding of how the other thinks about things though. I hope that he understands my sensitivity and automatic negativity a little better. I don't want those feelings to be there but I don't know how to cope with them so they're still there. Time and experience is making them dwindle but it's not going as quickly as he'd like. I worry that I may take too long to get over my old wounds and scars and he will simply give up on me, seeing it as a lost cause. I really need to make Steve push me to face these things instead of only talking about lighter subjects or other matters that are less important to the marriage.

I called the animal clinic that I'm trying to get a job at and they told me they are "still in the interview process". Doesnt sound good... I also haven't heard back from Dominoes which is downright ridiculous. It's a fucking pizza place already. The last place I worked at is smearing my good name, it's making getting ANY job a living hell.

My psych switched up my meds a little because I've been complaining of being tired all the time and the weight gain is KILLING me. Risperdal was switched to Abilify, and he added Strattera because of my ADD is making it difficult to function when I am NOT sleepy.

I sent the letter to Jamie. Now the waiting begins. :noes:

I had nightmares last night about a private entry- a secondary journal that I'm keeping for the sake of tracking certain activities. I kept james up all night and eventually slept on the couch because i was crying and didnt want to wake him. Ugh.

Laura and I went to do our Steve and Barbara thing, it went well but I'm getting frustrated with Steves passive nature, he never really tries to draw anything from me, he just listens to daily life stuff but that is not really my root issue, which is what I want to tackle. His answers are frustrating sometimes because I already *know* what he is telling me about "there is now law that says you have to be ___" etc, but I need a way to cognitively program that into my brain, not hear it with my ears.

After the appointment, Laura and I ran some errands. We paid for her glasses, which were $60 because they were poly instead of plastic. yeesh. Then we ran to the pet store and looked at all the cute critters, got litter and treats for my ratties. While we were right by the office, we stopped by dentists' and secured my appt for the 25th at 8:30. We also picked up some groceries.

Tonight, I wrote Jamie a letter explaining I wanted some medical history and to be civil. That I would be willing to share some info about Kay and London if he was interested. I'm sure he will be but I'm not sure to what extent.

The kids are home from school for holiday today, so things are hectic. They gave me some time in the morning to chat with the chatzy girls for a bit, which was great!!! I really enjoy talking to them, and even though I don't get all of the inside jokes or have the bond that they do, I think they tolderate me pretty well. Unfortunately I had a bunch to do though so when the internet died, I got to business.

I called the dental clinic about my line position. I've been in line for about 2 months now and this cavity doesnt seem to be getting worse but I still have pain on a semi-regular basis. They told me that since I was in pain, they'd be able to work me in on the 25th. Finally. Now to just get the kids in for their appointments.

I talked to Jim, my ex father in law. He is doing better by the day but is still rather weak and frail. I asked him for medical history since all of this doctor/dentist stuff has me filling out paperwork and I need to know what members of the paternal family for Kay and London have what ailments. He gave me his info and what he knew of Jamie (my ex). He also gave me Jennifers number so I could get her info and the address for Jamie. Jennifer is Jamies sister. She doesn't want to give up Jamies contact info, she's acting all protective like I have some malicious plot to harass Jamie or something. She even got a little pissy about it, which annoyed the shit out of me. I'm the mother of his children for Christs sake, I need to be in contact with him about certain things regarding our kids. She has no right to stick her nose in the middle of it but that's her perogative. So fine, don't give me the info. Fucking drama.
I looked up Jamies contact info by phone/internet. Public records and correctional databases are wonderful things. I got his release date: 5-23-23. I also got on a calling list to notify us of any court dates or status changes for him. Now if I can only find the public records of the court proceedings online, I'll be set.
While I was looking for Jamie related stuff, I looked up child support statutes re: children of inmates and other assistance. I didn't really find much other than a few programs that are intended to help families bond again after incarceration. Well intended programs, I'm sure but not what I am looking for. London and Kay will be 24 and 26 when he gets out of prison. Thank God.

In other news, Em got in trouble for not being where she told us she'd be in addition to taking other liberties via bad memory. I'm certain a short grounding will remind her of our expectations and it won't happen again, at least for a while. The rest of the family is doing well and are all in good health at the same time for once. I think I will try to go figure out how to start a letter to my ex, whom I've not heard from in 7 years. This should prove interesting.