Dreams, Glitter and Tears

I suck so bad.


So ok, updates and stuff... cliffnotes version:

Darling and I met in October on 2 occasions, more to come on that, orlly just logs of what i downloaded in channel.

Holy shit. He's amazing. What don't I love? pfft.

I got a promotion and raise at work, FINALLY. GAH.

James and I are doing pretty good, although he gets jealous at times. I dunno how to soothe his ego any more than I am, yet anything i do gets shot down instantly. Sunuvabeech.

Darling's Roommate, Eskimo started talking to me during his visit and she and I have become closer than I have come to any other woman, ever. I love her dearly. I've been waiting so long to really connect to another woman the way I do with her. It was totally worth the wait.


Winter has come and along with it the deepest depression I have felt in a long time. wish i had a street pharmacist available to get prozac from. or something. anything. I have turned to old habits and curse myself daily for them.

I have lost a substantial amount of weight, at Darlings encouragement. I don't know how to begin thanking him for that.

I learned just today that I lost a neighbor, and I am reminded that only a few days ago was the 1 year mark of losing my Great Grandfather, the one man that truly loved me, yet abused me horribly. *sigh* A couple of beloved pets have passed as well.

Day to day life is a struggle, but the benefits of surviving is debatable yet overwhelmingly joyous.

Shit happens.

2 exciting things happened today, aside from the MRE goodness:

1: James worked today, first time in over a week! They got a generator at the shop and he was even able to get his most recent paycheck! YAY!

2: Darling told me that he has an upcoming work conference in California and will have a flight layover in Houston! 4 hours to snuggle and enjoy eachother's company. I can't wait!! The tentative date is October 18th.

Darling and I are doing well, his phone calls have really become something I enjoy. Not to say that I never did before but it's quickly becoming one of my favorite late night habits. I enjoy talking with him and lulling him to sleep with my sweet voice. I especially love it when he falls asleep on the phone and I whisper little things to him. Most of all, he is enriching in his encouragement and playful teasing. I look forward to that the most, I think.
I still want him to collar me and I wrote him a letter telling him what i need and wat out of life. It was good for him to know but it was especially good for me to think about it. I have spent many years of my life no longer knowing what I wanted out of it. For me to really reevaluate my needs vs my desires is so good for me. I thank Darling every day that I think about myself rather than being a slave to others needs. He doesn't know I do, but it's true nonetheless.

Other things in life, in a month, I will be at my job a year. That feels fantastic, especially after several short lived jobs and James telling me I wasn't capapble of holding a job. I just needed something that made me happy. As mundane as it is, I enjoy seeing my regular customers and hearing about what is new in their lives. It's a highly social job which is perfect for me. I spent too many years without proper social interaction and I now realize how badly I was hurting for it.

Romance at home not to be forgotten, James and I are doing well. He snuggled me tonight for quite some time, petting and running his hands over my hair. Given that he is still quite distant in general, it was nice. He has increased his snuggling and hugging in general, which makes me happy.

The kids are good, getting ready to go to school. I'm not ready but they are, emotionally and mentally.

Nicholas passed away, which saddened us all but it was his time, he was getting old. We will bury him under the tree in the back yard.

In all, life is good. For once I am happy, truly happy. I'm glad I finally came forth with some secrets that had been haunting me, the truth really does make everything in life better.

I wrote this letter to James on July 18th. I sent it to both of his email accounts.



Big Fuzzy,

Thank you for such an enjoyable evening last night and this morning.
It certainly was a nice break for both of us. I know you've been
stressed out and it seemed like you really enjoyed yourself. I know I
did.

Lately it's been hard for you, I can see that. You're frustrated with
work, life and sadly, even me. I'm sorry that I am not doing as well
as I need to. I am trying to battle my own stress and depression and
am still not doing as well as I'd like. Thank you for being patient
with me while I adjust to my new medication. This bumpy ride of a
mental illness has been difficult for both of us and I appreciate you
standing by me when I'm not at my best. Please try to continue to be
patient and always remember that you can talk to me, even if it hurts
my feelings to hear the things that you need to say. Sometimes those
very things are necessary for me to come to grips with so that I can
better myself. I'll continue to keep trying to make you happy and do
what needs to be done to help our family in any way that I can. Again,
I'm sorry if I'm not so good at these things, but I really do want to
be, and I am learning how through my therapy and your good influence
and gentle guidance.

Always remember that I love you, to the ends of the earth and back,
and I would do anything to guarantee that I have you sitting next to
me when we are old and grey, and the kids are grown up... holding
hands and kissing, remembering all that we've gone through together,
taking on the world as a team, a united front. I cherish every minute
I have with you and nights like last night make me love you all the
more every day. I'm so glad you sacrifice to spend that special time
with me.

I love you with all of my heart and soul, baby. Please write me back
when you get this. It means a lot to me to get a note from you saying
you love me too. Sometimes, that's all I need to feel secure in the
world.

Love forever,
Your HiFiBellyBabe






He never wrote back. :(

Valentines is a day of love... so I thought I'd write about the ones I love and why I love them so much. My love -true deep love- is reserved for few so it's important for me to reflect on why I do feel the way I do for the special ones I feel that way about.

( Who do I love so deeply, anyway? )

Loneliness is a bitch.

It's deafening, blinding and all consuming. It tears you apart and eats you like a lion destroying its prey. Of course, like a lion, it does not wait for you to die, it eats you while you still live, kicking and screaming as the blood pours from your wounds.

goddamn, i'm so fucking emo.

I'm trying to figure out pics and such on this thing since I'm using it more now... and I thought I'd show off the drawing I made for James a few days ago.



Super-Large version available on my Deviant Art page.

Enjoy! :)