Dreams, Glitter and Tears

I wrote this letter to James on July 18th. I sent it to both of his email accounts.



Big Fuzzy,

Thank you for such an enjoyable evening last night and this morning.
It certainly was a nice break for both of us. I know you've been
stressed out and it seemed like you really enjoyed yourself. I know I
did.

Lately it's been hard for you, I can see that. You're frustrated with
work, life and sadly, even me. I'm sorry that I am not doing as well
as I need to. I am trying to battle my own stress and depression and
am still not doing as well as I'd like. Thank you for being patient
with me while I adjust to my new medication. This bumpy ride of a
mental illness has been difficult for both of us and I appreciate you
standing by me when I'm not at my best. Please try to continue to be
patient and always remember that you can talk to me, even if it hurts
my feelings to hear the things that you need to say. Sometimes those
very things are necessary for me to come to grips with so that I can
better myself. I'll continue to keep trying to make you happy and do
what needs to be done to help our family in any way that I can. Again,
I'm sorry if I'm not so good at these things, but I really do want to
be, and I am learning how through my therapy and your good influence
and gentle guidance.

Always remember that I love you, to the ends of the earth and back,
and I would do anything to guarantee that I have you sitting next to
me when we are old and grey, and the kids are grown up... holding
hands and kissing, remembering all that we've gone through together,
taking on the world as a team, a united front. I cherish every minute
I have with you and nights like last night make me love you all the
more every day. I'm so glad you sacrifice to spend that special time
with me.

I love you with all of my heart and soul, baby. Please write me back
when you get this. It means a lot to me to get a note from you saying
you love me too. Sometimes, that's all I need to feel secure in the
world.

Love forever,
Your HiFiBellyBabe






He never wrote back. :(

I fell behind in my journalling!

The last week has been a blur. There were a few small events during the week but honestly, right now I don't remember what they were. If they come to me, I will back-post about them. I'm journalling right now out of guilt. that's it, because i'm so fucking tired that i want to sleep for a week.

the doll project is moving along slowly. I am unhappy with how the legs are turning out, they don't have the natural curvature and shape that I am wanting. I could easily mold the shape onto the current pieces with clay, but it tends to not want to stay on. I had good luck with plastering the shoulders that I made out of the clay onto the body, but I don't know that it would work with the smaller pieces. Also I'm not able to get a smooth enough texture out of my wetsanding. it really only affects the newest layer of plaster, leaving me with the same ripples and dents from the lower layers that I had before. I try to plaster in the low spots to make a smooth contour, but the plaster hardens too quickly and becomes a large rough surface to sand down again. I feel like I'm running in circles. I made the joint caps for the shoulders, but now the ball joints don't fit in them correctly. Note to self- make the joint caps FIRST! So I have to remake the shoulder joints. I've not yet figured out how I will make them stay together, the clay hardens and just slides off of the plaster where they meet. Maybe I will have to plaster over them as well... now that i think of it, that would change the size of my joints again though... what a delimma. I have been working on the wig more and although it is a project that will take me a long time to finish, it is rather mindless work to do. I usually watch tv while I do it. my makeshift tool is the perfect size but I wish the mesh of the wigcap was a teeny bit bigger. I have ripped it in a few places.none of the small holes will be able to be seen though, they are underlayers of hair in the back.

Kay had her choir show on the 12th. She was a perfect bunny for her acting part in one of the songs, and the show was fantastic. The kids sang songs from every generation and they were all crowd pleasers. I was particularly tickled by seeing them sing "Sgt Peppers". Thank goodness good music hasn't totally been wasted on our youth!

I have been struggling with feeling overly drowsy due to my medications, low metabolism and poor sleep habits. I'll throw in some pure laziness in for good measure too. I haven't felt motivated to do much of anything lately and it totally sucks. I WANT to get up and run, skate, bike, play. I am often restless. but I can't seem to get the "get up and go" going. It's terribly frustrating.

I think that part of my lack of motivation is also due to my lonliness. I don't have anyone that I spend time with outside of the house and I have a bit of cabin fever. I want to just go walking and chat with another woman, or go to the park with a fellow mom and let the kids play. It weighs on me heavily because I've always been a socialite, the life of the party. I don't know what to do with myself in solitude. My online friends help somewhat, but i want a friend that I can hug if I am in need, that I can make smile and see what I've done. That won't be a drama magnet!!! I am SO overly tired of drama. I've had too much in my short life. I want to emotionally connect with someone on a totally platonic level, but enhance my life with their presence. is that too much to ask? I guess Mary is still haunting me. Her rejection rocked me hard. I'm afraid that there might actually have been something that I did that was so offensive that it drove her away. That I might repeat the offense with another person. I know when I really think about it that Mary was just a heartless bitch that was too cowardly to be honest with me... but that self doubt lingers.

James and I are doing amazingly well. We've made a lot of progress in the last few months and I am confident that things are finding their way. I am so happy to see old emotional wounds healing- for both of us. Finally! I had started to worry that it was a waste of my time and that I was in a state of denial about us ever making progress. I feel ashamed that I doubted a positive outcome, but I need to be fully open and honest with myself and I know those feelings were there. I feel that there is more reason than ever to push that old pain away and allow myself to relax and feel loved again. That I don't have to be at the ready for the next time something went horribly wrong. We have both struggled in this and I see the fruits of our labor is starting to show. Maybe I AM capable of giving the very things that I didn't think were there anymore. Time will tell.